Even with so many channels to choose from, Kathleen and I were getting tired of the same old thing on TV. We’d had enough of the Hallmark Christmas channel, British-Village-Quaint-Murder station, the Forensic-Crime-Scene-Investigation network, and the all-Star-Trek channel. We needed something new, so we cranked the selector wa‑a‑a‑ay up into the second thousands, to find some channels with new themes.
We came across our new favorite: the Hallmark Russian Literature Christmas Romance Channel!
Here’s today’s lineup.
The Christmas Express (9 hours)
Kelly doesn’t believe in Christmas, because she is an atheist. When a blizzard shuts down the Nizhni Novgorod train station on Christmas Eve, she is forced to share a room with Bradimir, a young divinity student who was so traumatized by his drunken abusive father that his is unable to open up about his emotions.
Kelly and Brad spend the entire night, and all the next day, arguing and debating about religion, destiny, and human and divine love. By the time the storm clears on Christmas night, Kelly believes in Christmas, and Brad believes in Feelings. They declare their undying love for each other and kiss under the mistletoe in the train station, before boarding trains heading East and West, never to see each other again.
A Cookie Cutter Christmas (7 hours)
Megan runs a little bakery that used to be her working-class father’s, until he was killed in the Napoleonic Wars. Times are hard and food is scarce, so she enters the Tzar’s baking contest. The winner of the best gingerbread Faberge Egg will become the Tzar’s Imperial Pastry Chef.
She takes an instant dislike to another contestant, Lieutenant Gregory Pfeffernov, the scion of an aristocratic baking dynasty. She sees him as autocratic, conceited, and French-speaking, while he sees her as uppity, pushy, and common. Each must admit that the other is an excellent chef, though. By the end of the contest, the two put aside their class differences and start to plan a life together, as they listen to, off in the distance–are those Christmas fireworks? No, they’re the guns of the Decembrist revolutionaries!
Crime and Punishment and Christmas PART ONE (9 hours)
Anna has just been fired, and is trying to decide the best way to commit suicide when she is accidentally offered the job of nursemaid to young Pavel, who lost his legs in a playground duel. She has no medical training, but every time she tries to explain this to Pavel’s brooding tormented widowed father Boris, circumstances, or her own reluctance to be cast into the street, seem to interfere.
Her warm heart and skill with a wheelchair soon endear her to Pavel and Boris. She begins to think that there may be a future with this god-forsaken family, but then the servants catch her dancing the Mazurka with Boris even though they are not betrothed, and she is forced to flee in shame. Boris spends the next four years searching until he finds her in a convent. He confesses his love, and though he is now penniless from gambling debts, they marry and are briefly blissfully happy until he dies.
So if your provider doesn’t already carry it, tell him that you want the Hallmark Russian Literature Christmas Romance Channel! And if he won’t add it, then despair at the mindless cruelty of the universe!
Thanks,
Dorn
12/5/2019