It's REAALLY DIFFICULT to write one of these posts with a puppy underfoot! I can see now why raising babies is a young person's game. You don't get any sleep at all, do you? Even our Louis, who is so much better and smarter than all the other puppies, still only has the bladder the size of a peanut, and has to go out every couple of hours day and night. I haven't slept this poorly since I had to work for a living. No, not even then--it's since we had babies in the house.
This morning I was taking Louis out for his third walk of the day, and I noticed he was trying to hide something in his mouth. He finally admitted that it was a chewed-up Tootsie Pop. I don't know where he got it--it's been many Halloweens since we had them in the house--and I don't know if he found it all chewed up like that or did it himself. It looked like most of the chocolate center was still present, but I've heard about chocolate and dogs so I worriedly called the vet.
They weren't worried. "You know that Tootsie Pops don't really have any chocolate in them, don't you? Just chocolate flavor and brown food coloring." "er, uh, sure, I knew that!" "Just keep an eye on him and let us know if he vomits or acts funny". He didn't, so I stopped worrying about him and looked up Tootsie Pops to see if I had been lied to all these years. I learned (a) they do have some cocoa in them (a bit more cocoa than salt, which can't be that much), and (b) Tootsie Rolls were invented in 1908 but it took a hundred years for them to be certified Kosher.
Now here's our story.
Kathleen has a superpower. She can strike up a conversation with a complete stranger, any complete stranger, and within five minutes they are fast friends who have shared all of their deepest secrets, things they might not have told even their spouse. She can build a bond of intimacy over a shared wait in line, a serving of eggs at a greasy spoon diner, or a “shushh” from the presiding librarian. She can learn things from a coworker of mine she met two minutes ago that I hadn’t gleaned in ten years of working side-by-side. (I’m aware that this may also say something about my own super-antipower.)
Kathleen uses her powers only for good, and recently she decided she was going to do some good for herself. Having seen on the news that doses of covid vaccine had started to be available beyond medical professionals, but not finding any mention of it locally, she struck up a phone conversation with one of the staff at her doctor’s office. Within minutes she had built that magic bond, and gleaned that there was some talk of doctors being able to alert the Calvert County Health Department of patients needing (and therefore eligible for) covid vaccination as soon as practicable. Kathleen is immuno-compromised (lupus) so she certainly qualifies, and her new friend promised to nag the doctor until he sent Kathleen’s name in.
When her friend alerted her that the necessary name-dropping to the Health Department had been effected, she began her second campaign. She called up the County Health Department and found someone in the office handling covid who would speak to her. Again within minutes, she made fast friends with that person, who promised to scour the recent communications to the office and, finding Kathleen’s name, she would proceed to nag her boss until he translated this doctor’s request into an appointment to receive the vaccine.
I’ve seen this amazing instant intimacy of Kathleen’s work many times in our years together, but never with so focused a purpose planned from the start and executed so efficiently. Within a couple of days, Kathleen had an appointment to get her first shot, right along with all those people who had conscientious doctors!
Oh hooray! The year-long nightmare might finally be coming to a close! Imagine shopping in a grocery store, being able to pick out the non-damaged fruit from the rejects rather than relying on a staffer there. Being able to go to the dentist, or the hair-cutters! Visiting our grand-kids!!
So last week, we took the trek to get Kathleen her first vaccine shot from the County Health Department, who had cleverly set up a drive-through vaccinarium in a local industrial park.
We were nervous. What if something goes wrong? We double-checked her paperwork and her ID, bundled Louis into the car, and off we went. The lines were relatively short, unlike the Florida horror stories we had seen on TV, and seemed well organized. Louis got a little overwhelmed from all the cars and masked health department workers, and started a non-stop barrage of yapping that made it hard to hear our instructions. At one point I panic-dropped Kathleen’s drivers license, and it quickly scuttled into an unreachable crevice between the front seat and the center console, but fortunately she had another valid ID in her wallet. Disaster averted! And just like that, Kathleen was next in line, and then was receiving her shot, with me sweating anxiously beside her and Louis going apoplectic in the back seat. A brief wait to make sure she didn’t drop dead from the injection, and we’re off for home, mission accomplished!
My own first injection would have to wait another week, mainly because (a) I don’t have Kathleen’s persuasive superpowers, but also because (b) my risk factors weren’t as high as hers, and (c) my doctor’s office seemed less amenable to referring me to the County (although (c) might just be a manifestation of (a)). At one point, my doctor’s office told me that they were expecting a load of vaccine themselves any day, so weren’t referring anybody anywhere else. I observed to them that this sounded like a business decision designed to benefit them rather than a medical decision designed to benefit me, and that finally softened their hearts and they referred me.
Yesterday we did the same drill for my vaccine shot as we had done for Kathleen’s, but without any of the panic. Even Louis seemed laid back in the presence of all the strange cars and people. After all, we were seasoned veterans at this now.
So now we both have had our first of two Moderna vaccination shots, with the second shots (supplies willing) coming in February. What a freeing experience! I feel so much better now after the shot, even though my arm is sore. My confidence that I can re-enter the world is returning. I know intellectually that it will take both shots before I am as immune as modern technology can make me, and further that even the partial benefit I get from one shot will take some time to materialize, but even so!
It’s funny, but my new-found feeling of invincibility actually started when I first received the email inviting me to the vaccinery to get the shot! Just because there’s no scientific evidence that any immunity is conferred by the vaccine before the shot is actually injected, that doesn’t mean that no extra protection is present. I refer you to a Harvard study that showed that a placebo could provide medical benefit even if you know you are only taking a placebo. They suggested that the mere act of participating in the ritual of medical care was enough to provide the benefit. If it works for taking a pill labeled “placebo”, it should work for signing up for a vaccine appointment too.
The word “immune”, by the way, is from the Latin im(not) • munis(serviceable). The parent word “mune” means not immune, or vulnerable. My current condition, and Kathleen’s, where we have some but not all of the immunity conveyed by the vaccine, is termed “half-mune”.
But being vaccinated doesn’t mean taking stupid risks. We both still wear our masks and wash our hands, and will continue to do so even after we get the second shot and our antibody titers rise to the full level.
And you should too! It’s only common sense, and common decency. A vaccinated person can still carry the disease to an un-inocculated (or “full-mune”) person, and can still act as an incubator for millions of little covid bugs to reproduce and mutate. When you think about almost a billion people around the world providing test chambers for those coronavirus germs, it’s no wonder we’re starting to see new and more dangerous variants emerging!
So continue to keep your distance, wash your hands, and for heaven’s sake wear the damn mask when you’re around other people! Provide the benefit to others, even if you don’t want it or don’t believe in it yourself. Apply the lesson of the old story about physicist Niels Bohr (or in some versions, Albert Einstein): when a visitor observed a horseshoe nailed over the great scientist’s door and asked if he really believed the superstition that this brought good luck, Bohr/Einstein replied, “No, of course I don’t believe that. But I’m told that the horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not.” As with horseshoes, so with facemasks.
Thanks for listening, and stay safe, Dorn 1/20/2021
Trentin Quarantino’s DOG ALMANACK Special Coronavirus Edition!
Am I putting my dog at risk? Is my dog putting me at risk? These are some of the first questions a dog owner might ask regarding the corona virus. A trending question on Google is “can dogs get coronavirus?”. The standard answer, found on sites from the American Veterinary Medical Association to the American Kennel Club, is COVID-19 is not believed to be a health threat to dogs, and there is no evidence that they transmit the disease to humans.
The principle of online plenitude demands that everything exists on the internet, so you know that at least one study that covid 19 originated in dogs is reported on the internet (here). The news article about the study says that health professionals have expressed skepticism at its underlying science. I found that the most noteworthy aspect of the study was that it focused on the “zinc finger antiviral protein”, or ZAP. This allowed the news article to contain the interesting phrase, “This suggests that SARS-CoV-2 may have evolved in a new host (or new host tissue) with high ZAP expression”.
My own research points to the opposite conclusion: having a dog actually decreases your risk of contracting the virus. I plotted the percentage of households that have a dog (by state) against the number of Covid 19 cases per million people in that state. The results are compelling—the fewer dogs per household exist in a state, the more covid cases per capita! Figures don’t lie, gents:
data sources: https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/country/us/, https://247wallst.com/special-report/2017/07/07/states-where-people-love-dogs-the-most-and-least/
Product reviews
Speaking of zinc finger antiviral protein, as a dog owner during the time of coronavirus, you know that one of the most urgent problems we face is how to get the poop bag off the roll and open without licking your fingers. These things are nearly impossible to open with your bare hands unless your hands are greasy (which they won’t be, because you have just washed them six times before going walkies), or wet. And how in the world can you wet your fingers if you can’t lick them because you have a face mask on!?
You could put your finger inside the mask and lick it (I know, I’ve done it), but that of course defeats the whole purpose of the mask. You might as well dip your finger in a vial of coronavirus saliva.
But fortunately, there is a solution. Costco carries Finger Pads for the very reasonable price of $3.78 per dozen, and their supplies have not (as yet!) been decimated by panicked hoard-buying. These helpful tools are ideal for separating the thin plastic of a commercial doggie poop bag roll. As near as I can tell, the original use of these handy items was to help in separating close-clinging pieces of paper, from back in the days before your time, when offices actually had papers in them. They must have had a huge stockpile when the paperless office was invented, so they are now able to offer them so cheap. In “standard” and “deluxe” varieties.
Helpful hints
Sneeze Guard. Here’s a new use for an item you almost certainly have lying around, if you are anything but the newest newbie dog owner: that clear plastic anti-lick cone your vet made you buy when you brought your pooch in for (whatever). Your pup hated it, and you stopped using it almost immediately, but you were determined that you would never shell out good money for another one, so you hid it in the back of your closet just in case.
Well, good news! That cone makes an ideal sneeze guard! Used in conjunction with a face mask or all alone, it will keep those nasty covid germs from getting all in your face, not least because you will be too embarrassed to get within shouting distance of anyone while you were wearing it.
Kathleen agreed to model it for this blog post. Originally she was reluctant, until I reminded her that I already had a picture of her wearing a colander on her head that I could use instead, and she didn’t want that aired because it looked silly. Notice that, unlike with a face mask, you can be perfectly safe and still enjoy a nice cup of coffee. Or, of course, lick your fingers to open a poop bag for Fido.
Fashion-conscious covid protection
Covid-conscious leash length calculator. Social distancing rules tell you to stay at least six feet away from anyone other than the people (or dogs!) you live with. But what does that mean for the length of the leash you use during walkies? Most of the other people you meet on your walk will also be dog owners (because, really, who else would brave the foul and pestilent congregation of vapors outdoors, except a dog-walker?), and even if you and he or she honor the six-foot rule, your dogs won’t care about it.
You might think at first a three-foot leash is sufficient, because if your have three feet, and your fellow dog-walker has three feet, then you’ll still be six feet away when your dogs touch noses, right? Wrong!
The real risk of violating social space is when your dogs are done with nose-touching, and move on (as you know they will) to butt-sniffing. Then, depending on the orientation and length of your dog, even with a standard three-foot leash, you could find that the other dog’s head is less than three feet away from you, which means that the other human will be less than six feet away from you!
The solution is simple. The length of your leash should be:
leash length = (collar-to-butt dog length) + 3 feet
If all dog walkers will stick to this formula, we’ll all stay safe!
That’s all for now from Trentin Quarantino! Keep sniffing, but not too hard!
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Have you bought anything from the Post Office yet? They continue to work to provide a vital (if old-fashioned) life-line to all of us currently Cowering in Place, despite deep financial problems.
If we all just bought a book of stamps from the Post Office, they’d be out of their financial straits. Think about it—if we don’t do it, who will? It looks like our government won’t!
The Post Office doesn’t yet have any Covid stamps, but they have a couple that look like the coronavirus. Sort of. Give ’em a try!
Thanks, Dorn 4/19/2020
Next time: Behind the veil of the Immunati: I interview an actual Covid-19 recoverer!
Trentin Quarantino’s 
