April 2020 – Welcome to Third Age Thoughts

Tough choices: cower in place 24

– in which Dorn has to decide between two misgivings.

s I mentioned in the last post (here), we’ve started hearing strange noises in our attic. They’re mostly early in the morning, but can happen any time. Kathleen can have just lit the candles, turned on Calm Radio, and slipped into the scented bathtub, when suddenly she hears a caterwaul of scratching and rasping that sounds like Gollum frantically clawing a tunnel through our roof to get to his preci-i-i-ious (well geez, I don’t know, how would you spell it?).

This would be enough to unnerve the hardiest soul, but Kathleen and I both get especially spooked at unexplained sounds in our house, for good reasons that I’ll explain in some future story (best told on a dark and stormy night).

So we had a desperate choice to make: live with our fear of things that go bump in the night, or face our fear of exterminators (or anyone else) entering our house and breaking our covid isolation safety shield.

Things in the attic can do more than unsettle us, of course, they can carry germs, bite the wires, leave a stinky mess, die, and generally mess up the smooth internal workings of the house. So we had to opt for discomfort number (2), and called in an exterminator.

We called Tommy’s Pest Management because we had used them before with success. We had originally picked them because of their ad in the yellow pages (you won’t remember these of course, as this was long before you were born, but they used to publish thick books of telephone numbers of all the local companies. By social convention, these books were printed on yellow paper, and consulting it was how you knew how to contact someone you wanted to do business with, before Gooogle.)

We picked Tommy, as I was saying, because in their ad in the yellow pages, they had included an exterminator joke about alligators. I wish I could relate the joke, but I just can’t remember it, so instead I’ll provide a Norwegian alligator joke I found while researching my master’s thesis on Norwegian pig humor (here).

Lars is walking down the street one morning leading an alligator on a string, when he meets up with Ole.
“What on earth are you doing with that pig?” asks Ole.
“That’s no pig!” Lars exclaims.
“Hush Lars, I’m talking to the alligator.”

Anyway, we arranged for the exterminator to come out, but he wasn’t allowed into the house–external inspection only. That was fine with Tommy, he got paid either way.

Tommy brought an assistant with him. The assistant was garbed for the season in face mask and gloves, but Tommy wasn’t. With only one of them masked, I figured, my chances of getting the virus were about half of what they would be if neither was masked, and I decided this would have to be good enough. They weren’t coming inside anyway and I was properly protected and keeping my distance from them. (I did feel, though, something like when I reduce my chances of my car getting broken into by 50%, by only locking the doors on one side.)

They looked around outside some, and pronounced, “mice!”, and pointed out where they were probably getting in. They offered to come in real carefully and place some traps and materials inside, as well as set some outside traps. I said no thanks on coming indoors, just tell me where and how and I’ll do it.

So now I have some rodent death traps, that ironically I’m leaving in quarantine until I feel like any virus on them has died of old age and they are harmless enough to deploy. Full story at eleven (or when something interesting develops).

Thanks,
Dorn
4/xx/2020

*Journals will be collected periodically and will be graded at the end of the semester.

Looking ahead: cower in place 23

– In which Dorn tries to plan for the future.

verybody these days is struggling with new kinds of planning for the future. In the most basic sense, we are all doing what we think is needed to prevent a painful and debilitating disease from slowly claiming us, or someone we care about. I’ve found that my lizard brain—the oldest part of the brain, responsible for primitive survival instincts like fear—doesn’t really seem able to get the concept of catching the virus. I think about it a lot, sure, and it controls (or at least colors) every decision I make these days.

But the fear and anxiety that I feel is much more immediate: I feel fear about doing something that will disrupt the routine of safeguards that we’ve put in place. When I have anxiety dreams at night, they aren’t about getting sick, they’re about forgetting to wash my hands or change my clothes, or accidentally touching something, or being forced to call a repairman into our house*, or to visit a doctor.

My lizard-brain priorities make sense to me. Our survival mechanisms evolved to urge us away from behaviors that could kill us at that moment. Our higher thought processes are the ones devoted to working towards longer-term future goals. I’m gratified (I think) that I’ve internalized the threat posed by not washing my hands right down at the lizard level, so don’t have to rely on my logical Spock brain to keep me conscientious.

**How the brain functions**
source: https://hombahrani.wordpress.com/2015/03/07/python-game-rock-paper-scissors-lizard-spock/

* * *

The part of my brain responsible for logical thinking already has plenty to keep it busy. Like grocery shopping. When I used to shop, I would forecast my meals and other needs about a week in advance. But now I buy my groceries online, and there’s sometimes a week or even two between when I order my stuff and when I get it. So I am now planning meals three or four weeks out.

Plus there’s the added complication that stores are often out of certain things (like toilet paper!), and I have to plan for the possibility that something I waited a couple of weeks for doesn’t arrive, and if I didn’t have contingency orders in, I’ll have to wait another couple of weeks for even the possibility of getting it.

We had luckily stocked up on toilet paper right before the decree went out that everyone should immediately go buy every existing roll, and we’ve been living on that stockpile ever since. I ordered some about six weeks ago from a place that promised they’d deliver it in six weeks, and did the same thing about four weeks ago. Plus every grocery store order I makes includes toilet paper on the list (and every grocery delivery so far has come in without said toilet paper). My strategy has been to keep requesting it in every venue, and hope something comes in before I’m all out. That time is getting closer.

Yesterday, Kathleen got a message from a well-stocked friend who’s offered to bring over some of the precious paper commodity, and we also got a call from our daughter who said she’s scored a source and is mailing some to us. Plus the 6-week and 4-week orders, and three grocery store orders, are all falling due in the next seven days. So by this time next week, we’ll either have more t.p. than we know what to do with, or have almost none at all, or somewhere in between. At this point my ability to forecast my situation has completely broken down. But we’re not out of t.p. yet, so my lizard brain is still completely happy.

* * *

Let me switch to a more serious kind of forecasting for a minute, where my lizard brain falls short. We’ve all been seeing or hearing forecasts of when the number of coronavirus cases will start to go down, so we can start going back to work, seeing family members, and generally resuming something of our former lifestyles. The need to protect ourselves and our loved ones from both illness and from joblessness and poverty affects us on both the logical and the visceral level.

And unfortunately, for many there’s no clear way to do both. Many jobs require human contact, but resuming higher human contact levels is forecast to increase the severity of the pandemic.

But not resuming increased human contact means that the jobs that require it can’t fully (or even partially, sometimes) reopen. And these businesses are running out of time—most have less than 30 days of buffer funds.

Clearly some middle course is needed that will keep both the threat of disease flareup and the threat of bankruptcy and penury at minimum possible levels, but this sort of balancing is not something that our lizard brains do very well. We, all of us, need to work as hard a possible to find a solution that is reasonable for everyone, and not just comforting to our emotions. It’s hard to keep our lizard brains in check when very real threats are all around us, but we’ve just got to try!

Thanks,
Dorn
4/24/2020

*Coming up: our worst fears realized—we need to call an exterminator for something in our attic!

The Nurse

I’d done some sketchbook tributes to Ysa, my niece the brave nurse that is on the front lines of the Covid-19 epidemic, but I thought such heroism deserved a real painting. She took a selfie for me while all suited up so I could have a reference. So I painted her from the photo and then I added the butterflies. I’m not sure exactly why I added them, but when I looked up butterfly symbolism after the fact I got this: Around the world, people view the butterfly as representing endurance, change, hope, and life. That works! Stay safe, everyone.

Emily Post-apocalypse: cower in place 22

– Dorn asks why aren’t we better at following the safety rules?

etween the news, social media, and just trying to get groceries, it’s impossible not to be aware of the new three commandments of social engagement: stay home, keep six feet from others, and wear some kind of face covering. But we as a country don’t function very well on rules decreed by experts—we act they way that social pressures dictate we act.

I’m starting to see and feel the strain of the new rules of society colliding with the old ones. Although on my forays to the grocery store I now see almost everyone wearing face covers of some sort, it still hasn’t caught on in our home neighborhood.

Our house is right across from a small sandy Chesapeake Bay beach, and our road ends a little ways beyond in a picturesque inlet overlooking a bird sanctuary, so we see our fair share now of people and families taking a break from being stuck indoors together 24-7. Despite the fact that face masks were recommended three weeks ago for anyone going out, it was only yesterday that I finally saw someone other than Kathleen or me on our street in a face mask.

It was a young boy riding his bike, alone. On closer look, it seemed he was wearing something like a toy plastic nose-and-mouth covering that might have come with a Star Wars game set, but even so, I was encouraged. It told me that somehow, this young boy had picked up on the social cues that made wearing a face mask a thing to do. Maybe that’s the first step towards the hard-headed adults around here trying it. (I have seen one adult here wearing a mask since then, so good news.) And just maybe, some time after that, even the teenagers will join in!

Here’s a shot of the young pioneer. I didn’t want to show his face or give other clues to his identity because he’s just a kid, so you can’t see the mask very well, but you can see that he’s wearing it.

* * *

One of the reasons people resist face masks, I think, is that they violate an unwritten social rule about openness. If people can’t see your face, maybe you’re hiding something. Maybe you’re even up to something nefarious (see Zorro, here). I thought of a way around this—nowadays, any image can be printed easily on fabric, so why not print your nose and mouth on the face mask that is covering your real nose and mouth?

As with so many of my brilliant ideas, someone has already thought of this one. In fact, many people have, and have already commercialized it, and have discovered a whole new market for such masks—people whose smart phones won’t recognize their faces and unlock. They look pretty creepy to me, but hey, gotta keep the phone happy!

* * *

I saw an example the other day of Kathleen being conflicted between the old rules of social etiquette and the new, straying too close to a neighbor and fellow dog-walker, who was not masked. And she even petted his dog!

It seemed to me at the time that she was being too old-school polite to ask our friend to stay back, and keep his dog further away. “I’d never do that!” I thought to myself at the time. Of course, what I didn’t think to myself at the time was that I also didn’t tell him to back off, and didn’t even suggest to Kathleen to back up. I didn’t want to be rude!

Then the very next day our positions were reversed. We had decided to take a drive over to Jefferson Patterson Park, closed except for the walking trails, and take some different fresh air.

Another car pulled along side us and opened their window. In it were an old couple (and by old, I mean older than us, or at least more decrepit-looking). They were flailing around with a map brochure, and asking for directions. I opened my window and tried to help, but couldn’t figure out what they were looking for. So I got out of the car(!!) to get a closer look at the map. Kathleen says I actually touched the map, but I didn’t, I swear! Anyway, after all that I couldn’t help them and they went on their way. Kathleen was having the exact thoughts I about me, that I had had about her the day before! And she reacted in exactly the same way I did, by thinking about it, but not saying it.

Editor’s note: I did so say it! I just didn’t say it in a way that was forceful enough to get into Dorn’s thick head what I was so obviously hinting at!  -K

The moral is that the new three golden rules have got to supersede the old rules of courtesy at least for a while, and if you don’t stay mindful of what you are doing, you can start letting the old rules take sway and not even know it.

Neither Kathleen or I had the presence of mind to tell the other people to stay away or just pull back ourselves, because we didn’t want seem rude to strangers. And we couldn’t even tell each other to pull back, because we didn’t want to seem rude to each other. If we haven’t learned from our mistakes, I guess they can put that on our joint tombstone when they bury us from the covid: “They were polite to the end.”

Thanks,
Dorn
4/20/2020

Stand by your best friend: cower in place 21

Trentin Quarantino’s

DOG ALMANACK
Special Coronavirus Edition!

Am I putting my dog at risk? Is my dog putting me at risk? These are some of the first questions a dog owner might ask regarding the corona virus. A trending question on Google is “can dogs get coronavirus?”. The standard answer, found on sites from the American Veterinary Medical Association to the American Kennel Club, is COVID-19 is not believed to be a health threat to dogs, and there is no evidence that they transmit the disease to humans.

The principle of online plenitude demands that everything exists on the internet, so you know that at least one study that covid 19 originated in dogs is reported on the internet (here). The news article about the study says that health professionals have expressed skepticism at its underlying science. I found that the most noteworthy aspect of the study was that it focused on the “zinc finger antiviral protein”, or ZAP. This allowed the news article to contain the interesting phrase, “This suggests that SARS-CoV-2 may have evolved in a new host (or new host tissue) with high ZAP expression”.

My own research points to the opposite conclusion: having a dog actually decreases your risk of contracting the virus. I plotted the percentage of households that have a dog (by state) against the number of Covid 19 cases per million people in that state. The results are compelling—the fewer dogs per household exist in a state, the more covid cases per capita! Figures don’t lie, gents:

data sources: https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/country/us/, https://247wallst.com/special-report/2017/07/07/states-where-people-love-dogs-the-most-and-least/

Product reviews

Speaking of zinc finger antiviral protein, as a dog owner during the time of coronavirus, you know that one of the most urgent problems we face is how to get the poop bag off the roll and open without licking your fingers. These things are nearly impossible to open with your bare hands unless your hands are greasy (which they won’t be, because you have just washed them six times before going walkies), or wet. And how in the world can you wet your fingers if you can’t lick them because you have a face mask on!?

You could put your finger inside the mask and lick it (I know, I’ve done it), but that of course defeats the whole purpose of the mask. You might as well dip your finger in a vial of coronavirus saliva.

But fortunately, there is a solution. Costco carries Finger Pads for the very reasonable price of $3.78 per dozen, and their supplies have not (as yet!) been decimated by panicked hoard-buying. These helpful tools are ideal for separating the thin plastic of a commercial doggie poop bag roll. As near as I can tell, the original use of these handy items was to help in separating close-clinging pieces of paper, from back in the days before your time, when offices actually had papers in them. They must have had a huge stockpile when the paperless office was invented, so they are now able to offer them so cheap. In “standard” and “deluxe” varieties.

Helpful hints

Sneeze Guard. Here’s a new use for an item you almost certainly have lying around, if you are anything but the newest newbie dog owner: that clear plastic anti-lick cone your vet made you buy when you brought your pooch in for (whatever). Your pup hated it, and you stopped using it almost immediately, but you were determined that you would never shell out good money for another one, so you hid it in the back of your closet just in case.

Well, good news! That cone makes an ideal sneeze guard! Used in conjunction with a face mask or all alone, it will keep those nasty covid germs from getting all in your face, not least because you will be too embarrassed to get within shouting distance of anyone while you were wearing it.

Kathleen agreed to model it for this blog post. Originally she was reluctant, until I reminded her that I already had a picture of her wearing a colander on her head that I could use instead, and she didn’t want that aired because it looked silly. Notice that, unlike with a face mask, you can be perfectly safe and still enjoy a nice cup of coffee. Or, of course, lick your fingers to open a poop bag for Fido.

Covid-conscious leash length calculator. Social distancing rules tell you to stay at least six feet away from anyone other than the people (or dogs!) you live with. But what does that mean for the length of the leash you use during walkies? Most of the other people you meet on your walk will also be dog owners (because, really, who else would brave the foul and pestilent congregation of vapors outdoors, except a dog-walker?), and even if you and he or she honor the six-foot rule, your dogs won’t care about it.

You might think at first a three-foot leash is sufficient, because if your have three feet, and your fellow dog-walker has three feet, then you’ll still be six feet away when your dogs touch noses, right? Wrong!

The real risk of violating social space is when your dogs are done with nose-touching, and move on (as you know they will) to butt-sniffing. Then, depending on the orientation and length of your dog, even with a standard three-foot leash, you could find that the other dog’s head is less than three feet away from you, which means that the other human will be less than six feet away from you!

The solution is simple. The length of your leash should be:

leash length = (collar-to-butt dog length) + 3 feet

If all dog walkers will stick to this formula, we’ll all stay safe!

That’s all for now from Trentin Quarantino! Keep sniffing, but not too hard!

* * *

Have you bought anything from the Post Office yet? They continue to work to provide a vital (if old-fashioned) life-line to all of us currently Cowering in Place, despite deep financial problems.

If we all just bought a book of stamps from the Post Office, they’d be out of their financial straits. Think about it—if we don’t do it, who will? It looks like our government won’t!

The Post Office doesn’t yet have any Covid stamps, but they have a couple that look like the coronavirus. Sort of. Give ’em a try!

Thanks,
Dorn
4/19/2020

Next time: Behind the veil of the Immunati: I interview an actual Covid-19 recoverer!